we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
