I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
