I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize