Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
