Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
