phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
