i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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