I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize