meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
