don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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