we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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