your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
