Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
