I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
