My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
tell me about the fingering
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
