I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
