Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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