I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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