id be glad to
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
