if i can run in heels then i can drive
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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