I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
