A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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