I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
