**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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