the condom got lost in my hair
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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