every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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