all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
