Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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