well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
