It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
