I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You can't special order awesome
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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