ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
