How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
