She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
