Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
