I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
