yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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