In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Someone shattered a urinal.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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