we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
