you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
as a side note pls kill me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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