dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
