It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
