i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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