Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The chlamydia really affected his face.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize