her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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