I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
