kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
