I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
