I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize