I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
