Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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