my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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