Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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