I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Bring me that man meat
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
