Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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