just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
