He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
