Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
