She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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