Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize