I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need a beard to bite.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
