Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
