she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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