White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
