My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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