I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
