i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
