I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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