I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm both gender and math confused
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
