does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
