do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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